What makes you think I agree with you?

The presumptuous progressive habit that traps you into a lonely corner

Of all the things that have irked, baffled and infuriated me over the last decade or so, the one thing that just keeps on poking its uninvited head into my day-to-day business, has to be the fact that progressives seem incapable of resisting the urge to rub their tediously predictable political opinions in my face during casual conversation. And they do it ALL the time.

If that isn’t irritating enough, the worst element to all this is the blind assumption that I agree with them. It doesn’t occur to them for a second that I might not. They’ll casually blurt out the usual platitudes that I’ve heard a million times, then give me a knowing grimace in a kind of “of course, you know what I mean” way. Well, actually I don’t, but they seem to be under the illusion that they hold the neutral and correct default position on everything. Like it’s settled.

I often wonder why. Do I give off the vibe that I think exactly the same as they do? It’s not like I am waving a banner or have a sign hanging round my neck. Or is it that it just never occurs to them that they might cross paths with someone who thinks differently to them? That they have become so complacent and insulated in their narrow social circles that they have created this grotesque, twisted caricature in their heads of what those terrible other people look like, and I don’t fit that cartoon image?

I guess if all the information they absorb every day, and everyone around them is constantly propping up, reinforcing and regurgitating a particular narrow set of values back to them, anything that falls remotely outside of this paradigm becomes shocking and absolutely monstrous to them.

Whether it’s chatting to parents at kids’ birthday parties, teachers at school open evenings, brief encounters with neighbours whilst taking the bins out, small gatherings with acquaintances, colleagues at work, or even random strangers in cafes, queuing in shops or waiting for a bus. They just can’t seem to be able to help themselves.

I’m generally quite a sociable person and I have always enjoyed chatting with people.

Well, not so much anymore. It’s a minefield.

The issues shift around depending on what element of the “Omnicause” is trending on the activist catwalks this season, darling. But it always has essentially the same flavour to it and I can predict with almost 100% certainty what they think about a whole range of current issues. It always plays out the same way. They will parrot off a load of predictable sentiments on the current thing. I will then think “oh, here we go” and my brain will do a silent eye roll, and I will then have to think quickly about my exit strategy.

There are only a few options open to me. I either have to skilfully shift the subject elsewhere which I have become quite adept at. (I’ve had a lot of practice). Or I’ll say something really broad and vague like “it’s all a complicated mess” and move on, which nobody can really disagree with and means that I’m not lying. For some though, if you don’t unequivocally endorse what they have said and elaborate on how you too feel exactly the same way as them, it’s taken as an indicator that you might be a bit suspect. They will look at you in the eyes searchingly and suspiciously as if they’ve had the horrifying realisation that you might just be “one of those baddies”.

Of course, there is always the option of politely disagreeing and clearly stating my own position. Hahaha.. That ship sailed over a decade ago…

The reason I don’t want to go into it isn’t because of cowardice. It’s based on my own repeated experiences, and also the fact that normally there just isn’t the time. Even if I did have the time to reasonably explain that there might be other ways to look at it, what’s the point? It never ends well. Been there, done that, bought the sodding t-shirt.

If I try to summarise the details to save time in a moment of rash futility, I end up being blunt about it, which ends up being the worst scenario as it’s highly likely that they will “crash out” (as the kids like to say) and react as if I have just told them that I love a bit of murdering and would they like to go on a killing spree with me?

If it escalates and they become particularly odious and insufferable, then I will lose my patience and be forced to tell them to go f*ck themselves. Which isn’t really my idea of a great way to spend my day. Even if I really want to say it. I’m not a sociopath.

The fact is, I don’t care what they think about politics or cultural issues. It’s getting really boring and what’s more, I know what they think. We all do. Their opinions are inescapable and everywhere.

Believe it or not, I can actually shoot the breeze about a range of subjects. We used to talk about our lives. We used to talk about countries we’ve visited, music we loved or our kids. Hobbies and movies, food or other people we knew. Jobs, comedy, books we’ve read, places to go, relationships….. We could reminisce about our childhoods, teens or twenties. Talk about our families. Gardening. Our health. Anything! There are lots of things that we can talk about.

Unfortunately, the reality of the situation is they have to shoe-horn into conversations their ideology and I don’t think they even realise it’s "ideological". It’s like they just have to slip it in there to show off to you that they are one the righteous ones with the correct opinions. Or maybe it’s a shit-testing tactic in order to weed out the non-believers? It’s hard to tell whether someone is doing any of this consciously. Whatever the case, it’s like they have ideological pop-up ads installed. You’re just chatting normally about something unrelated and all of sudden here comes that pesky, intrusive pop-up ad and you have to wait for the little bar to move slowly across the screen before you can hit the X button in the top corner and carry on with what you were doing.

The people who I maintain healthy and easy friendships with are the ones who think outside of the proverbial box on a range of issues. The ones who actually surprise me. Who are open to looking at things in different ways and aren’t afraid to explore contentious topics freely and allow space to see where the conversation leads them. The ones who don’t mind if we disagree. Who don’t judge me personally for it, even if occasionally it gets a bit heated.

I have a few good friends like this and I feel very fortunate to know them, but my social network has shrunk significantly.

Friends drift apart sometimes. That’s fine. People change. People are also busy getting on with their lives. But when you are reluctant to go to social events because you know it will be an exercise in keeping your mouth shut and just nodding along to a load of empty slogans that you really don’t agree with, it becomes hard work. It feels like a big lie, and frankly, I would much rather stay at home and clean the toilet. I am tired of pandering. It’s certainly not my idea of fun to voluntarily throw myself into the belly of the beast and be the only person in a room of people sanctimoniously slapping one another on the backs in a kind of competitive “aren’t we the good guys” virtue signalling sesh.

It’s lonelier than being alone.

The thing is, there are sections of society who are not self-censoring. In fact quite the opposite. They are free to spout off their political opinions, ad nauseam at any given opportunity and tend to get socially rewarded for doing so. Some even wear t-shirts, scarves and badges to broadcast their opinions to you so that before they’ve even opened their mouths you know what they think. They feel the need to shove it in your face.

By complete contrast there are whole sections of society who don’t get to do that, or they risk everything. Whether it’s about Immigration, Palestine, LGBTQ+, Mental Health, Race, Trump, Net Zero, Islam, Feminism or Colonialism etc, I am constantly having to bite my tongue.

My opinions on these subjects can’t be reduced to a short slogan. They don’t fit neatly on a t-shirt. It’s complicated. On some of these issues I am decided, but I didn’t arrive at my conclusions unthinkingly. It took a lot of time, thought, reading and weighing up the different sides to arrive at my stance. I might even change my mind in the future given new information. I might get it wrong sometimes. But most crucially, I need the space to freely ponder and manoeuvre. On other issues I am still figuring out where I stand and don’t know enough about the subject to take a definitive stance either way. The details, complexities and grey areas are worthy of discussion. They’re big topics. They can’t be covered with a catchy soundbite.

When someone just declares something along the lines of “it’s all because of those thick anti-immigration racists”, or “well, it’s the patriarchy isn’t it”, or “as white people we need to just shut up”, “transwomen are women” or “Israel is an apartheid state committing actual genocide” as if these are settled universal givens, what am I supposed to say? These statements are thought terminating. I don’t even agree with the underlying premise and definitions that they are laying out, so in order for me to continue honestly, it will take considerable time to explain why I don’t agree with them.

Frankly, I’m too old for this crap and it’s just not worth it given the inevitable fall-out, so I end up withdrawing and seeking solace with likeminded people online or my very small circle of close friends who understand where I’m coming from. Given I am an outspoken extrovert, it doesn’t come naturally to me to hide what I think, but unless I want my day-to-day social encounters to turn into a shit-show, I have no choice but to dodge and dive and play the stupid game.

The whole “two-tier” asymmetrical dynamics of this situation means that you are always having to be the bigger person. Like you’re dealing with a toddler Hulk-child who could erupt at any moment. You are the one who has to pander to them and tiptoe around on eggshells so they don’t have a tantrum. You are the one who has to listen to them spouting off and pretend that you don’t vehemently disagree. Or you have to carefully embark on some convoluted mental gymnastics in order to avoid triggering them.

They get to be brazenly honest without a bloody care in the world and are arrogantly oblivious to how cringeworthy they are. And yet, you can’t be remotely honest in response, even when they are goading you to agree with them. If you dare raise a peep, they are flabbergasted and will lash out furiously. It then escalates quickly and gets ugly.

This is no way to live. How can I maintain an honest open and trusting friendship with someone if this is the case?

I have no idea how this will go but it doesn’t look good. Our society seems to be getting more and more fractured by the year. There are many complex reasons for this and broader factors that are indicative of possible civil unrest. You’d have to be blind not to notice. But the devil is in the detail. It’s the small dripping tap of seemingly banal, day-to-day interpersonal interactions that slowly chip away at people. Even if you try and avoid social media, news headlines and haven’t been explicitly cancelled, rest assured, someone will make it their business to get right in your face and remind you that your opinions are outside the parameters of social acceptability. That you are problematic.

Congratulations progressives. You’ve pulled an absolute blinder.

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